Today: Nov 13 , 2019

Lipstick and Legos – A Series of Unfortunate Events
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05 November 2016   Holli Maurer

I needed to handle my life like a boss. Unfortunately, well… Life happens.

Y’all, it never fails that in a week that I need to handle my life like a boss, I get insanely swamped with a series of unfortunate events. Here are the last five days of my life in neat, organized little bullet point format. I’m doing it like this to make myself believe that I have order in my household. These are in no particular order but should be shared with you anyway.

  1. Crafts. Little announced on Sunday that he wanted to do some crafts. Couldn’t hurt, right? I decided I’d let Little play with some Elmer’s glue and find things outside to glue on paper plates. He grabbed little handfuls of fall leaves, some sticks, a dried up moth, and then demanded that I donate some macaroni to his project. I brewed some coffee and enjoyed the crisp morning. I remember sitting at the table watching Little, thinking to myself how amazing he was being and how well behaved he was. I should have known that something was wrong. I left the table for a moment to change the music that I was playing. Little got up and came over and gently kissed my cheek, and ran his fingers through my hair, and he told me over and over how beautiful I was. My heart felt like it could explode… I put my hand up to reach his, and felt moisture. Whaaa? My little “angel” had been petting my hair with gobs of Elmer’s glue.

  2. Halloween. Little was at his father’s so the Annual Costume Crisis was avoided. Big previously wanted to be a hamburger for the occasion, but I failed to meet his demands. Quick fix? Bacon! He was a giant piece of bacon. He trick or treated with friends, and I had a friend over for “a” beer. I somehow forgot how excruciating trick or treating could be, and how long it could take. My friend and I told Big we’d take him to a haunted house three streets over. We took a beer with us and I shoved another beer in my sweatshirt pocket. I started Tuesday having had stayed up way too late and a minor headache.

  3. Tuesday. Longest day ever. Refer to Halloween-possible-regret-and-definite-hangover-from-two-blueberry-beers. Do not try to write a hotel budget after Halloween. Like, ever.

  4. Chihuahua. The teeniest dog in the world is usually precious. On this given night of which I don’t even remember what day it was, teenie dog got into bed two hours prior to me. It was cold and I haven’t yet turned on the heat because it’s ARIZONA, so I was incredibly excited to get all snuggled into bed. I pulled the covers back and added an extra blanket just for kicks and snuggled deep into my bed. I pulled Chi up close to my face, and gave him a soft little kiss on his perfect Chi head. Within two minutes, there was a Chi gag and a little tiny splat. I pulled the cozy covers back to expose Chi vomit, all over the pristine white sheets. Ugh. I gracefully slid out of bed on the other side and went to sleep in the twin bed with Little. Back is now horribly messed up and sore.

  5. School. Drove five miles to Little’s school one day and Little started screaming that he didn’t have his new spider ring that he got in a gift bag on Halloween. I had left it on the counter. I let him cry for another mile, and then I sensed the disaster that would happen at the school, and so I turned the car around. For all of you judging me, you don’t know Little. I drove all the way back in utter silence. I told Little not to speak to me, I was so mad at him. I was now 20 minutes late to work. We pulled into the driveway, and Little let out a huge sigh and said, “you know Mom, you’re right. I don’t actually need my spider ring. We can go now.” Insert me driving the car at the speed of light cursing in my head the entire way.

  6. Landscaper. He forgot to landscape half my yard. Mmmkay.

  7. Blue Apron. The meat for meal #2 fell on my kitchen floor. I both a) fed it to my kids and b) ate it as well. It’s fine. Also, I made the painful decision to only order from them one time a month. Ugh. Now I have to think about dinners.

  8. Stitch Fix. I had to break up with Stitch Fix; it was costing me too much money, and quite honestly, I’m not over the break up. I silently stalk it still on my friend’s facebook. I’m the ex-girlfriend that won’t go away.

  9. Do we need a #9, you guys? Let’s hope next week is a thousand times better.