Y’all, it never fails that in a week that I need to handle my life like a boss, I get insanely swamped with a series of unfortunate events. Here are the last five days of my life in neat, organized little bullet point format. I’m doing it like this to make myself believe that I have order in my household. These are in no particular order but should be shared with you anyway.
- Crafts. Little announced on Sunday that he wanted to do some crafts. Couldn’t hurt, right? I decided I’d let Little play with some Elmer’s glue and find things outside to glue on paper plates. He grabbed little handfuls of fall leaves, some sticks, a dried up moth, and then demanded that I donate some macaroni to his project. I brewed some coffee and enjoyed the crisp morning. I remember sitting at the table watching Little, thinking to myself how amazing he was being and how well behaved he was. I should have known that something was wrong. I left the table for a moment to change the music that I was playing. Little got up and came over and gently kissed my cheek, and ran his fingers through my hair, and he told me over and over how beautiful I was. My heart felt like it could explode… I put my hand up to reach his, and felt moisture. Whaaa? My little “angel” had been petting my hair with gobs of Elmer’s glue.
- Halloween. Little was at his father’s so the Annual Costume Crisis was avoided. Big previously wanted to be a hamburger for the occasion, but I failed to meet his demands. Quick fix? Bacon! He was a giant piece of bacon. He trick or treated with friends, and I had a friend over for “a” beer. I somehow forgot how excruciating trick or treating could be, and how long it could take. My friend and I told Big we’d take him to a haunted house three streets over. We took a beer with us and I shoved another beer in my sweatshirt pocket. I started Tuesday having had stayed up way too late and a minor headache.
- Tuesday. Longest day ever. Refer to Halloween-possible-regret-and-definite-hangover-from-two-blueberry-beers. Do not try to write a hotel budget after Halloween. Like, ever.
- Chihuahua. The teeniest dog in the world is usually precious. On this given night of which I don’t even remember what day it was, teenie dog got into bed two hours prior to me. It was cold and I haven’t yet turned on the heat because it’s ARIZONA, so I was incredibly excited to get all snuggled into bed. I pulled the covers back and added an extra blanket just for kicks and snuggled deep into my bed. I pulled Chi up close to my face, and gave him a soft little kiss on his perfect Chi head. Within two minutes, there was a Chi gag and a little tiny splat. I pulled the cozy covers back to expose Chi vomit, all over the pristine white sheets. Ugh. I gracefully slid out of bed on the other side and went to sleep in the twin bed with Little. Back is now horribly messed up and sore.
- School. Drove five miles to Little’s school one day and Little started screaming that he didn’t have his new spider ring that he got in a gift bag on Halloween. I had left it on the counter. I let him cry for another mile, and then I sensed the disaster that would happen at the school, and so I turned the car around. For all of you judging me, you don’t know Little. I drove all the way back in utter silence. I told Little not to speak to me, I was so mad at him. I was now 20 minutes late to work. We pulled into the driveway, and Little let out a huge sigh and said, “you know Mom, you’re right. I don’t actually need my spider ring. We can go now.” Insert me driving the car at the speed of light cursing in my head the entire way.
- Landscaper. He forgot to landscape half my yard. Mmmkay.
- Blue Apron. The meat for meal #2 fell on my kitchen floor. I both a) fed it to my kids and b) ate it as well. It’s fine. Also, I made the painful decision to only order from them one time a month. Ugh. Now I have to think about dinners.
- Stitch Fix. I had to break up with Stitch Fix; it was costing me too much money, and quite honestly, I’m not over the break up. I silently stalk it still on my friend’s facebook. I’m the ex-girlfriend that won’t go away.
- Do we need a #9, you guys? Let’s hope next week is a thousand times better.